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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Natural Born Killers [1994] *

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Stone obviously thought he was creating a masterpiece of satire; instead he created a truly monumental turd. So a triumph of sorts.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Dallas Buyers Club [2013] * * *

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One star each for the two leads, one star for the crew turning up.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Falling Down [1993] * * * *

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Proof the all day breakfast saves lives.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

JFK [1991] * * * *

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Stone turns a piece of utter fiction into a so totally true story, and a cracking true story it is too, proving beyond doubt that 83 branches of government and 745,877 people were in on the conspiracy, all either keeping their mouths shut or dying mysteriously from overdoses while being drowned in bathtubs.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Alien [1979] * * * *

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Be honest now, who would put in to be on that ship, alien or no alien, just so as you had a chance to get into Sigourney's pants?


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Aliens [1986] * *

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The most creative part of this was adding an "s" to the title.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Motel Hell [1980] * * *

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I'll never look at a man wearing a pig's head the same way again.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Die Hard [1988] * * * * *

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Advisory: Contains violence, comedic touches, 80s hair, blatant product placement, close ups, swears, tits, ass, booze, drug taking, candy bar theft, foreign accents, guns, explosives, military hardware, a giant teddy bear, cigarette smoking, and Bruce Willis.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Dumb and Dumber [1994] * * * * *

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Lloyd Christmas for President!


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Platoon [1986] * * *

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Stone does some things wonderfully here, other things not so much. I wish he'd had the courage to drop the horrendous letters to Grandma, for example. Let's hope in the annals of cinema, this is the beginning and the end of the "letters to Grandma moralistic war movie explanation device". The movie itself is about Good and Evil, or, as Stone does it in his uniquely subtle way, GOOD and EVIL. It must be said, Stone, the artist, the director, is amazing at his craft for this movie, and some scenes resonate pure class. But not all of it works. A flawed classic, and ultimately overshadowed by its Vietnam peers.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Control [2007] * * *

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Poor Ian. Not only did he fail to attend his American Big Breakthrough Tour, but this lukewarm and unsympathetic movie was made about him as well. Worth a watch to see the fellow playing Ian do the freaky dance really well.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Being John Malkovich [1999] * * * *

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Just when you feel it's going off the rails, it pulls itself back to blow you away again.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Pursuit of Happyness [2006] * * *

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I'm not 100% sure happiness is what he's pursuing, "a good job" more like, but that's a mere quibble. Will Smith does brilliantly holding this movie together, because without a solid central performance there's not too much here. If there's something vital to learn from it though, it's that working hard, sleeping in public toilets, and sucking up to rich people can really help the goal oriented among us.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Battle Royale [2000] * *

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You'd think Japanese schoolgirls killing each other on an island would be the best thing to happen to film since Tarantino got that job in the video store, but you'd be wrong.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Paris, Texas [1984] * * * * *

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Sad, Strange, Beautiful.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Living in Oblivion [1995] * * *

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Overplays its hand. But worth watching if only for the dream sequence featuring Peter Dinklage realistically playing a dwarf.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Badlands [1973] * * *

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See kids, this is what happens when you give up your garbage route and go on a killing spree.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

12 Years a Slave [2013] * *

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If you enjoy hearing white people using the word "nigger", watching black people being whipped, and sitting though a crap piece of filmmaking, then this is the movie for you. So much of this is awful, and I don't mean the evil of slavery, I mean the semi-evil of a hamfisted cliché ridden trashfest. Notable only for a brilliant performance by Paul Dano and possibly Brad Pitt's worst performance out of many terrible performances over the years (he plays Jesus in this, you would think he would've put more effort in). Or, as movie critic Snoop Dogg eloquently put it, "When y'all gonna make one fucking series about the success that black folks is having? The only success we have is 'Roots' and '12 Years a Slave' and shit like that, huh? Fuck y'all. I ain't watchin' that shit. Fuck them television shows. Let's create our own shit based on today, how we live and how we inspire people today. Black is what's real."


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring [2001] * * * *

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers [2002] * * * *

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King [2003] * * * *

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I tried to read the first book. Three times. But it really does go on and on. Never finished it, all three times. Nobody gets laid, nobody asks "Why can't we just fly to the mountain on one of those giant eagles?", and nobody appears to need to go to the bathroom, all of which ruin the realism for me. Hobbits and Elves and Midgets are proud creatures, and deserve a better historical record. Oh and the poems are awful, literature my ass. But anyway, the films are great, I see them as one long film, extra long actually as I prefer the extended versions. The Canadian director Lord Peter Jackson really knows how to direct and stuff. Filmed in the beautiful Australian outback, with an all Irish cast, this 26 hour enjoyathon is truly worth it.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Ice Storm [1997] * * * * *

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Perfection. And one of the greatest endings in movie history.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Edge of Darkness [2010] * *

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Being a huge Mel Gibson fan (he's one of the saner people in Hollywood), I was looking forward to this one. But it's subpar, a mess actually, ridiculous in many respects. And only watchable, just, if you are so hungover you can't make the effort to move to turn it off once you're settled on the couch.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Pianist [2002] * * * * *

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Polanski during the day takes time out from bathing with pubescent girls to make another masterpiece of film. Aside from a dodgy performance from Emilia Fox - an actress who, though very attractive, just cannot act - everything is perfect. Polanski is one of the great directors, there is no denying. Just be wary if he suggests he babysit while you're out at the movies.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Purple Rain [1984] * *

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This has got to be one of the worst movies ever made. But then Prince sings Purple Rain and everything is alright.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Dances with Wolves [1990] * * * *

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I saw many moons ago. I watch again. Is plenty good. Is not director's cut I watch. I do not want to watch more extra. Three hour is good. Four hour is not good. Kevin Dances With Full Head Of Hair is good but his horse better. Horse very good actor. Dog very good actor too. Plenty recommend.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Blade [1998] * *

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The only thing I recall about this was that it would have been good nourishment for a dung beetle. But even dung beetles have their place and can enjoy the odd movie.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The River Wild [1994] * *

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The river boring. The river atrocious. The river don't watch.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Dune [1984] *

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The experience of David Lynch's Dune is much like when your beloved dog left alone poops on the carpet and chews your best shoes and destroys your irreplaceable vinyl collection of Beatles originals all signed by Lennon and McCartney and the other two. You surely love your dog, but you really really hate Dune.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Gosford Park [2001] * * *

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Social commentary wrapped up in what could have been a great romp through weekend leisure and murder in a big house full of insane people, including the insanely hot Kristin Scott Thomas, the deliberate Clive Owen, an incredible Maggie Smith, a few other name actors picking up paychecks, and that Scottish girl from Trainspotting. It's a good enough watch. It's just missing something, a satisfying resolution probably.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Imposter [2012] * * * * *

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A chilling sociopath plies his trade amongst white trash while incompetent law enforcement makes it all worse. A brilliantly realized film; just don't dwell on it too much, these things don't happen in real life.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Mamma Mia! [2008] *

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The thing with a shit sandwich is, it's all about expectations. When sitting down to eat your shit sandwich, what are you expecting exactly? Are you expecting the best meal of your life? Or something a little less enticing? I suggest you are better off with low expectations, or, better yet, don't eat a shit sandwich.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Tess [1979] * * * * *

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Roman "lock up your underage daughters" Polanski shows his class recreating the countryside of pre-pre-Brexit England and populating it with a cad, an idiot, and the ravishing Nastassja Kinski, hopefully of age and capable of defending herself against the director's many suggestions to "work on the script some more tonight in my combi van". Beautifully shot, with a couple stockings over the lens for good measure.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Oblivion [2013] * * *

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Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle without wearing a helmet. What message is this sending our children? That it's ok to ride around on a motorcycle without wearing a helmet? Well I'm fine with it. Tom's in a bad place in his life, he's living with an annoying trollop five football fields above apocalyptic post nuclear war Earth and having to do mundane work tasks outside whilst being subjected to unsettling memories. No wonder he's taking risks.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Crank [2006] * *

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Life is short, skip this shrinking violet and go the whole hog with the sequel High Voltage.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

Crank: High Voltage [2009] * * * *

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The makers of the Crank franchise have created their own genre: the exploitative violent comedy for adult five year old vulgarians. Just my type of movie. Don't bother with the first one though, they didn't perfect the genre until the second one.


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jmunky [2017] FILM

 

The Deliberate Stranger [1986] * * * * *

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Sure, Mark Harmon, I'll get into the car with you.


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