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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM


Slender Man [2018] *


"And Jesus said, 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.'" - Luke 23:34, in which the Lord Jesus Christ is put to death on the cross by Sony executives.

I'm so lonely that I too would consider hopping into the YouTube comments section to summon Slender Man, so that he could make a bunch of sexy tree noises and step on my wood flooring as loud as possible, before filling all my holes with his tentacles, only for me to find out I've been hallucinating the whole time so he turns me into a tree?


I don't feel like it would be out of line to #MeToo this movie right along with the rest of men in Hollywood because boys and girls let me tell you this film is first degree A S S A U L T.

It's like if you mixed "IT" with "Sinister", but since Joey King is the actual Grinch (get the fuck outta here Jim Carrey) the movie sucks major tentacle dick, and the whole film could have been avoided with carpeted flooring.

It's hard to even make fun of this because of how ungodly boring it is. You got Joey King just shitting nonsense out of her mouth the entire movie, and then three other girls who are all literally clones of Joey King, who are also just vomiting shit out of their mouths, into each other's mouths, into Slender Man's mouth, and by nature into your bitch consumer eyes and mouth as well. And all they do when they aren't shitting out of their mouths is sit around and hallucinate about random non-important shit for the entire runtime. Do you have a fear of girls with really long hair? What about spooky Hospital Receptionists who type really slowly and overexaggerated one key at a time? Libraries? No? Shit, uh... Librarians? Slender Man has got you covered, everything is a hallucination.


Really all I could think about the entire time was how much Slender Man looks like rejected Hentai Tentacle Porn, and not a creepy tree/spider/suit monster. Nothing to add to that really, just I guess your time would be better spent watching Slender Man themed Hentai where Joey King gets all her holes filled by Slender Man and his Dr. Octopus tentacles, and she can't see a way out, except to jump out her fifth story window in her suburban house (that was only two stories in the shot before) (???) to her swift and immediate death, which ironically was also my exact reaction to this movie.


The only funny bit in this was when Joey King Clone v2.0 goes over to this boy's house, and the make-out scene that ensues is probably the funniest thing I have seen since Dakota Johnson invented the 32nd flavor at Baskin-Robbins by lathering up Jamie Dornan's pubic hair with vanilla ice cream in "50 Shades".




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