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audreyv [2017] FILM


Call Me by Your Name [2017] * * * *


I do not believe I have ever, ever sat down in a theater to watch a movie over two hours long and been so completely entranced. My expectations going in were pretty managed as I had not enjoyed the novel very much but I found that the translation to screen was done absolutely gorgeously. I felt that there was a tangible passion emanating from this film that was the result of so much work put in by the cast and crew. For me this was quite a unique viewing experience, especially as I cannot stand coming-of-age films, but this definitely avoided the things I dislike about coming-of-age stories-- I'm not sure if I can cleanly express what I mean, but it seemed to stay away from any of those cliché plot points that hit you over the head with their message. "Call Me by Your Name" felt naturalistic; it felt real and it felt honestly emotional, or maybe emotionally honest. The acting and characters were downright charming, sure there was a whiff of pretension at times but it was realistic given their lifestyle.

The romance was completely believable to me. The landscapes, the flowing water, the fresh food-- the environment played such a major and astoundingly beautiful role in this film and I loved how the scenery was portrayed. The camerawork and editing could be a little distracting at times, such as when it moved away from the characters while some action was still going on, or when it went into what I assume was some sort of dream sequence for just a couple of seconds. Additionally I did find the Sufjan Stevens songs overbearing but I find his music overbearing in general so hopefully it works better for others watching the film! Overall I would say this movie feels nowhere near the length it is and I am sure I could have watched for hours longer. I never expected to have the intense reaction to it that I did and I would wholeheartedly recommend the film to anyone who is considering watching.




Chad S. Walsky [2017] FILM


The Dark Tower [2017] *


The funniest thing I've seen in 2017 has to be Matthew McConaughey flamboyantly flailing his arms like a redneck Criss Angel while shooting "magics" at a duster-clad Idris Elba. Dear God man, you're an Oscar winner have some self respect! It looked like a theater kid being forced to play "war" with his cousins during Fourth of July weekend. "Dammit, Ansel! Quit saying pew-pew when you shoot your gun!"

The Dark Tower is a movie about a kid who can't close his mouth and draws emo pictures about mysterious towers and handsome black cowboys. His parents think he's nuts and immediately turn him over to two obvious creeps in the first 10 minutes because the runtime is only 92 minutes and we need to move this along. The kid escapes (duh) and finds a porthole that drops him right in the middle of a primitive land filled with hate-filled beasts and halfwit monsters (pretty sure it was Texas). There he meets the gunslinger who spills the secrets of this mysterious world and explains how stoner Johnny Cash plans to destroy Earth with a brain laser (unfortunately he never explains why the special effects look like they were outtakes from The Scorpion King, but I digress).

I'm not 100% sure what happens next because I was punching myself in the face when I realized there was an hour left. McConaughey minces around and whispers ominous instructions to humans which COULD lead to some disturbing moments but the PG-13 rating neuters any chance of that. In fact, maybe the most unsettling thing in the movie is Jackie Earle Haley and his outrageous costume which can only be described as "afternoon bouncer at the Man Hole Lounge in Newark, NJ". Nobody in the film makes much of an impression except Elba, and it's unfortunate his take on the Gunslinger is stuck in this cinematic dingleberry. A flat, disjointed, and lifeless film that has as much edge as your aunt watching Meghan Trainor perform on The Today Show while drinking a Coke Zero.

Not the worst tower-related tragedy in American history, but it's up there.




Swartacus [2017] FILM


The Neon Demon [2016] * * * * *


"Plastic is just good grooming."

Over saturated and cannibalistic. This film reeks of American art, commerce and culture of today. We rinse, repeat and regurgitate... feeding on entrails and remnants of decades past well as that of our own future selves.

It's amazing how NWR made gritty crime feel so superficial and plastic with his overrated "breakthrough" Drive... and then turned around and made the superficially plastic world of L.A. Model-land feel so hyper realistic. This film has a purity that feels so palpable it's as if you could reach through the screen and grasp it.

From the Kubrickian red-rummery to the Lady and the Tramp-style Siamese kitten femme bots who traipse through perfectly framed madness...

This is a film that demands attention and holds your psyche at knifepoint.

One of the best films of 2016, if not the decade.




jmunky [2017] PERFUME


Old Spice Classic * * * *


Admitting to the world that I have a perfume collection is a risky proposition. Old Spice is the perfect cover. I just leave the bottle lying around. And so I can spray on my Dolce & Gabbanas to my heart's content. "What's that disgusting smell?" people ask, and then they see the Old Spice bottle and are like, "Oh I see..."




Curtis Loves Movies [2017] FILM


The Descent [2005] * * * *



This whole movie is just me repeating over and over again, "Oh fuck!"

Little girl speared through the head -- "Oh fuck!"

Losing the rope bag -- "Oh fuck!"

Hanging one-handed over the chasm -- "Oh fuck!"

Monsters attack! -- "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!"

Accidentally stabbing your friend in the neck -- "Oh fuck!"

Falling into a literal blood bath -- "Oh fuck!"

Monster drool on your face -- "Oh fuck!"

Thumbs through the blind eye balls -- "Oh fuck!"




Biscoito18 [2017] FILM


Se7en [1995] * * * * *



A film can be classified as belonging to more than one genre. It seems obvious, but a lot of people still insist on discussing whether such a movie is a horror or a thriller. Or whether it's a horror movie or a drama.

"Se7en" as well as "Zodiac", another excellent thriller by David Fincher, also can be, and should be, considered as horror films too. But regardless of which genre you put the film in, what's undeniable is Fincher's ability to build strong and unforgettable scenes of sheer horror.

Although "Se7en" lacks a bit of the subtlety and elegance of "The Silence of the Lambs", the end result remains a very disturbing film. What begins by favoring the shock through the visual and didactic detailing of the cruelties committed to the victims of the serial killer, ends wisely placing emphasis on the power of suggestion.

As in the classic "Rosemary's Baby", where we never see the creature's face in the cradle, here the contents inside the famous box in the final scene are never revealed to us. The size of the horror is measured by the expressions of those who have seen it.

Excellent performances by Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt.

While basically knowing what's in there, not having the image available to guide the focus of the horror, creates a cloud of possibilities much more frightening.

The suggestions that our creative and scared brain gives us to fill the sordid details of the content are far more horrifying than repeating in our mind a single image, which gradually loses its power to horrify.

"Se7en" has one of the most disturbing and shocking final scenes of all time. Such a pure sample of evil that it can horrify using only the power of suggestion.




Biscoito18 [2017] FILM


New Nightmare [1994] * *


Wes Craven's bold meta-cinema experiment before "Scream". Perhaps too bold.

Lucio Fulci did something similar four years earlier in "Cat in the Brain", but here the stakes are higher, since Wes not only analyzes (and makes fun of) his career, but also includes in the mix all the elements of his franchise, from the actors interpreting themselves, to the plot of the film that is the film itself.

The aspect in which the film fails is when it tries to be something other than an exercise in meta-language. When the surprise over the premise ends, what's left is a weak horror movie.

Several ideas (death scenes, Freddy using the son to reach the mother, the famous tongue phone...) are reused. It's understandable since this entity is using elements of the films to attack in "real life", but this still undermines the originality of this film.

Apart from some parts with fun practical effects in the final confrontation with the entity, no other death or attack scene is memorable by itself, without citing the meta-context.

Also, the movie is too long. Several sequences could have been shortened. Another aspect that irritated me is that until a few minutes before the third act, Heather was still trying to convince others that she wasn't crazy. An exhausting repetition.

"New Nightmare" is nothing more than a curious idea taken to the extreme. A proof of courage and artistic genius on Wes Craven's part, but a weak horror movie overall.




Isaak von Seggern [2017] FILM


Murder on the Orient Express [2017] * *



(deep breath)

ahha... ahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha

Boi oh boi Kenny what have we gotten ourselves into this time,

ALL THE DIALOGUE is spoken like they were in some bad anime, except it's ya boy Kenny B with his comically large mustache and European man accent and he is "The greatest detective in the world" because he can always find a crack to stick his cane in, but OoOoOoOohhhhh what happens when he can't find the crack?

Spooky murder shit on a train that's what.

If the showing I went to was one of those Q&A thingys where the producer and maybe Kenny comes out you know my question would have been:

"So Hi guys hated the movie, I was just wondering what was a bigger inspiration for the film, "Naruto the Movie 3: Guardians of the Crescent Moon Kingdom" or "Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection F"?

To which Kenny would reply, "Oh haha fuck you, neither, it was just loads of Hentai."

And I would kindly retort, "I could shave off my pubic hair and duct tape it to my forehead and it would still be significantly less distracting than your mustache."

"Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance" is such a good movie, spend money to see it because it will give you some genuine giggles; it's very heartwarming in a weird sort of way. But then go watch "Lady Vengeance" because I spaced out while the movie was droning on and realized it was like the same movie but "Lady Vengeance" is way better. Actually just watch like anything else, and it's a safe bet it's better than this. I am very generous with my rating because of the Ken bran quan, and also anime is dumb and we should collectively as a community point and make fun of it.

Cool poster tho.




Isaak von Seggern [2017] FILM


Thor: Ragnarok [2017] * * *


If the devil's anus is a space portal that shoots people out into the universe, does that mean all of space and by default Earth exists inside of some cosmic being's asshole???


Well, there goes my good night of sleep, thanks loads Marvel.

"Kevin Feige grabbed me by the dick at this morning's meeting and politely asked for more silly space movies vol. 4" stars Jeff Goldblum stuttering around the entire movie in this beautiful gold bathrobe, Cate Blanchett doing the very best she can at being Rita Repulsa and being a menacing villain when her only character traits are that her costume looks like a beetle fucked an antelope and her super power is she can throw knives at things. Also starring is that one guy that makes occasional appearances in other Marvel movies that has the magical hammer, Bang-my-dick Crunkled-my-crotch as Dr. Strange (which on cue when making his appearance the girl sitting next to me did a little fan-girl squeal, and leapt out of her seat to clap), Mark Ruffalo as green Harvey Weinstein, and a practical set with no cgi whatsoever.

It's fun, it's funny, and it's even almost a good movie. However Blanchett is uninteresting, Goldblum is too interesting to be the main villain, and too much of the movie is just mindless b-rated trash that Marvel churns out, what, three times a year now?

Taika Waititi definitely takes a step in the right direction, it's better than Spider-Man (prettier too), and overall it's enjoyable, but nothing remotely new.





Isaak von Seggern [2017] FILM


Jigsaw [2017] *


The best part about this is that it's the exact same thing as "The Amazing Race" TV show, except instead of watching marriages and other relationships fall apart over the prospect of getting that money, we get to watch incompetent "humans" [let's be honest it's just a wild pack of raccoons stacked on top of each other wearing people's skins, no one is this stupid] wander around a barn for 90 minutes and then expect me along with the rest of the audience to go "oh rats oh dang oh darn that one character who 'acted' earlier in the movie got his leg cut off, how emotionally attached to his leg I was, I cannot describe the amount of shock I am in right now, his leg was so compelling (much acting on the part of the leg) (bravo leg) (we can all agree leg stole the show) (#legfor2017oscars) my poor little frail body cannot not take any more, how terrifying, how effective, oh me, oh gee, oh my".

I am starting to sound like Alex Jones, these damn lizard people at Twisted Pictures made Jigsaw to finally admit to the public that Bush orchestrated 9/11 from the inside you can't fool me you fuckin nazis, and really at the end of the day this all comes back to how Hillary started a Witch Coven to fund the Sandy Hook shooting, the information has been here the whole time folks open your eyes to the truth, THAT'S what the emails are all about...

Anyway (ahem) so yeah this season of The Amazing Race takes place entirely in a barn (budget cuts over at ABC I guess) which you find out approximately 7 minutes into the runtime, and is also haha believe or not where the movie completely lost me. It's a barn. With wood panels for walls, and you have I think three people including an at least 200lb man. Little Saw-man comes riding in on his (admittedly dope) tricycle and they all like "OH GOD PLEASE NO NO OH MY GOD I DON'T WANT TO DIE I AM AN ACTIIIIIINNNNGGG ACTOR WITNESS MEEEEEEEE" But if it were me, little Saw-man would roll up in the crib with his hot wheels and do his cute little Saw-man laugh with the whole

"I wAnt To pLay A gAmE" spiel

and with one leg already hanging out of the hole I just kicked in the wall, I would say something really witty and smart like,

"Oh sorry, pardon me kind sir, you can stick your infinite supply of cassette tapes firmly up your TITE little Saw-man butthole you jackwagon riding micro penis fuck, see you next Thursday in the Walmart electronics section BEEitch!"

Then I would gracefully hop out of the barn and stroll on home, firmly curbstomping the real Jigsaw in the dick when he tries to air-assassinate me from one of the many surrounding trees, never to return, except an hour or two later with a loaded rifle to fuck up those raccoons' day.

In conclusion, I have only seen one of these movies, but please stop making them, it is getting very old, 29 seasons of The Amazing Race is 29 too many, and the last thing anyone asked for was a movie. Even if I was one of those other people that gets a kick out of seeing people disassembled, I would be disappointed by this movie because there is nothing satisfying in that regard. Watching Channing Tatum's head explode all over Jennifer Jason Leigh's face who screams obscenities? Aw hell ya. Watching someone bleed out of their ears and eyes because someone "accidently" stabbed them with a syringe containing acid? Aw no ya (because we all shout no when we hear Dollar Tree-Kenneth Branagh is being cast in a new Saw movie).

Actually we don't, between this and the new Tyler Perry movie, I am sure this will make more money than Blade Runner, and Dollar Tree-Kenny B will continue churning this shit out like Ronald McDonald on heavy laxatives, and I have no one but myself to blame.




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