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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

The Devil Rides Out [1968] * * *

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"The Devil Rides Out" is the 1968 sequel to the 1974 classic Bond film "The Man with the Golden Gun".

In this film, Good Christian Catholic Christopher Lee must face off against fellow Bond villain Bad Satanic Satanist Blofeld (and his occult), who summons a variety of great and disturbing evils. A large spider, a skeleton riding a horse, a man wearing a goat head, and perhaps the greatest threat to the civilized life of a white Catholic man, a half-naked Black dude

"Don't look into his eyes!!!"

oHhHhH tHe HorROr

It all culminates in one of the tensest film endings ever seen, where Christopher Lee must align all three of his satellite dish nipples, to shoot a laser beam directly into the mouth of Satan himself, thus turning everyone into Good Christian Catholics forever.

This was a fine and dandy movie, but riddle me this Christopher Lee:

What is so wrong about worshipping our Lord and Savior Satan?

Everyone tends to conveniently forget that before the New Testament was available for pre-order at Barnes & Noble's, Christianity was a religion based entirely around animal sacrifice for atonement! But it's 1968, and you want to dress up like a bunch of Hogwarts students and sacrifice one fucking goat? "Pssh Possh Applesauce," says Christopher Lee. Better buckle-up buttercup, because Christopher Lee with his three nipples (one for each member of the Holy Trinity) is gonna come in and just start droppin' peaceful occult members left and right with nothing but a sense of religious entitlement and a bitch of a right hook.

The occult doesn't even do anything illegal! That is until the third act when they may or may not try to sacrifice a small child to the devil, but up until then, I was totally on board with them! Meanwhile, you better hide your kids, hide your wife, because to Christopher Lee all you are is another target for the nipple lasers of Jesus Christ!

This may be the hokiest movie ever made, but you have to respect that it gives about negative twenty fucks over bothering with slow pacing and building tension. "Hereditary" (spoilers) spends approximately 27 and a half hours of its roughly 31-hour runtime gearing up for Toni Collette to turn into Spiderman, and a bunch of old naked gray people to attack the former member of both the Beatles AND Nickelodeon's Naked Brother's Band: Alex Wolff. "The Devil Rides Out", on the other hand, has Christopher Lee finding out about the occult in the first 25 seconds of the runtime, and then killing all of them with his divine nipple lasers and the film ending in like the next 10 seconds.

Is my math correct on that, not even fucking remotely, but it's close.

Guys, it's all like getting some chili at Wendy's. Have you ever been to Wendy's, and seen a poster for this chili that's supposedly been simmering for four hours or whatever? I'm sure some people see that and go,

"Well fart in my mouth and call me Dave Jr! Wendy's is such a fine dining establishment, they take four hours to perfectly craft a bowl of chili for me and my family. I'll never eat anywhere else!"

Whereas I look at it and go, wow it takes you four hours to make a measly bowl of gross chili?

And you know that that isn't really true either. People that work at Wendy's don't even have a real sense of time, OR understand what a "simmer" is. They're just wasting away their days locked up back there making your nasty-ass chicken sandwiches and farting on your beans. I can guarantee you when you order one of those things, they go in the back to the freezer, and they pull out a literal ice-block full of beans, and they stick it in the microwave for 15 seconds, then they pull it out, fart on it, and voila - "Here's your chili that's been simmering in the freezer for four hours. Thank you for choosing Wendy's to give you colon cancer, have a nice day you piece of shit."

Where am I going with this, I don't really know either, but the point is I can appreciate films that have literally no exposition, and just go. If your gonna set out to purely make an entertaining movie, than don't drag it down with all this unnecessary bullshit about "and the history of the occult is..." or "when I was a child my father summoned the devil, and that's why I'm sworn to protect the blah blah blah..." or "our chili has been simmering for four hours".

It's a fun movie. My favorite part was at the chill occult party following the goat sacrifice, this guy tries to grind on this one girl, and she shoves him away, so he just pours the rest of his goat blood on her, and she kind of just stands there expressionless like,

"Welp, this is how I live the rest of my life."


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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

Spirits of the Dead [1968] * * *

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The first two segments of this anthology can kind of be described as seeing a really bad opening act when you go to a concert. When I was a disenfranchised 15-year-old, I went to see Blink-182 in concert, and one of their opening acts was some goof named DJ Spider. He just did all these electronic remixes of Nirvana and Pearl Jam songs, that were so bad that to this day it makes me question if I even like music at all. All I wanted to see was 45-year-old Blink-182 burp out the lyrics to "Feeling This" for the millionth time.

Now I'm a disenfranchised 782-year-old man, who doesn't like music at all, except for the sound my microwave makes when my plain instant oatmeal is done.

ding

The first one is called Metzengerstein. Let me take you back to the grand old age of 1492. Is that when this movie takes place? I have no clue but who cares.

Jane Fonda is at the height of her boobs... err career, and you know she is balls deep, dicking just about everything she can get her grubby little vagina hands on in the animal kingdom.

The first 20 minutes of this is just a bunch of orgies. In like the first five minutes she and this guy rape this other girl so that she actually wants to have more sex with them, and it cuts from that to a scene of all of them naked, along with even more people, a baby leopard, and a small dog just chillin' in the background with a look on its face like "you guys up for round two or...?"

Yeah so (sneezes violently) pretty fucking gosh darn suspicious right? Like is Jane Fonda doing the dog?

Find out next time on "To Catch a Predator".

Don't worry it gets way worse.

So yeah Jane Fonda has just unlimited amounts of sex, some of it consensual I imagine, most of it not (in her defense all the dog can do is bark ambiguously so who knows what's really going on). One day though she is walking her horse through the woods when suddenly her leg is caught in a bear trap, but it's like a Nerf bear trap cuz she is just like,

"Oh darn my leg it has been caught in this bear trap, and I a weak minded and perpetually confused woman am too stupid to take it out, whatever shall I do?"

But as extraordinary luck and the script would have it, Peter Fonda pops out randomly from a tree, not unlike the "Scarce" face reveal, and quite literally uses his massive man penis to unlock his sister's bear trap.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

At this point, Jane Fonda is inexplicably super horny (ironically Nerf products tend to have the same effect on me as well) which is the reaction most people have right after being caught in a bear trap, and her little grubby vagina hands come out but Peter Fonda is very much like,

"Ew... uh no thanks I'm gonna take a hard pass on that one, bud, you go back to squirting on dogs."

Some people clap during Marvel movies, others during Star Wars.

I clapped when he said that.

So she goes back to her orgies, but it just isn't the same you know? It's like we want Luke and Leia, not Han Solo (aka Han Lame-o) and Leia.

Overwhelmed with the prospect of fucking her own brother, she meets him again, gets very rapey, but he is like,

"I would literally rather die in a fire than ever have sex with you."

And perhaps unsurprisingly he totally does. He just spontaneously catches on fire, which, while tragic that he must burn to death to avoid further sexual assault at the hands of Jane Fonda and her big ol' swinging vagina dick, is a decidedly hip way to go out. He leaves behind this huge black horse though, and this is really where it gets weird.

Jane Fonda instantly becomes obsessed with this horse and starts to spend more and more of her days riding it (in two senses of the word as you will soon see).

I mean I'll just tell you right now, she's fucking that horse.

Now we never actually see this happen, but, knowing Jane Fonda, there isn't a doubt in mind that she wasn't. They even do that thing that they do in romantic movies where two people are eating the same plate of spaghetti and then they both slurp up the same noodle and it's very cute, and then they go home and slurp each other.

Except for this time it's disgruntled sex offender Jane Fonda in a barn at night with a horse and they both slurp up the same piece of hay.

Very Cute.

Finally, the horse is kinda like,

"Fuck this noise, I would literally rather die in a fire than ever have sex with you."

And then it rides into a fire with certified goober Jane Fonda on top of it, and that's the end.

Doesn't that sound like just the worst?

It's because it was. It's like, if you're gonna make me sit through horse fucking, I at least want some fun Marvelesque quips between her and the horse.

Just like in "Youth", Jane Fonda's character is a total meanie, and entirely unrelatable, unless your mid-life crisis is over whether you like fucking your dog or your horse more.

Really I just wanted to fondle Peter Fonda with my grubby little vagina hands, but oh well.

It's nerf or nothing baybeeeee.

On to the third movie because the second one was so boring, my frail body just can't even!!!

Toby Dammit

You give me the shits-Toby Dammit on being Toby Dammit.

This one is fantastic and the only one I would recommend you watch from the anthology. Fellini was able to expound upon the original story by setting it in then present day 1968, and tell the tragic story of washed-up actor Toby Dammit. A man who is caught in a never-ending cycle of public attention and self-hatred, the genius of his character lies in his perpetual drunkenness. Is he smarter than those around him, because he has found a way to numb himself to their stupidity and noise? Or is he just a miserable drunk wilting away in his own sedated reality? It's existential without being pretentious, equally sad as it is funny, and all the while a great horror film.

In conclusion... I don't know. Don't make bad choices. Don't give out handies and blowies to horses, they don't need them. Pet your puppy and tell her/him they are a good boy regardless of their gender.

Just have a blessed day, ya darn goobers.


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