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jmunky [2018] PERFUME

 

Dior Homme Parfum * * * *

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If you, as a man, desire to smell like the inside of an old lady's handbag for several days, then seek this out immediately, it is a true gem.


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audreyv [2018] TV

 

Scream Queens: Season 1 [13 episodes, 2015] * * * *

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My roommate introduced me to this over the summer with the warning that I would have to shut off any part of my brain primed to reject offensive content. I dutifully followed his advice and wouldn't you know! I adore this show. If there's one thing I love more than horror it's comedy-horror and if there's one thing I love more than comedy-horror it's Jamie Lee Curtis. Hers and Emma Roberts' self-aware performances are, frankly, life changing, and the show's gags such as someone live-tweeting her own death at the hands of a serial killer are so beyond ridiculous that I can't help but scream with glee while watching!

Tragically the main protagonist is dull as dirt (sorry! but I mean how was she going to compete with Jamie Lee and Emma anyway) and another major character is played by Glen Powell who makes me homicidal especially after "Set It Up" which ruined my life, but we don't have to talk about that. The ice cream cone mascot, Jamie Lee Curtis' "Psycho" shower scene tribute, the tortilla chips covered in chocolate syrup and referred to as "Oakland nachos"-- those are what I will be talking about for the rest of my life. It's so quick and snappy and mindless! Obviously if you're not into stupidity you may want to stay clear but for all my trash lovers... this is for you!

This was my first Ryan Murphy experience and I am now taking the plunge into "American Horror Story" so stay tuned!


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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

Peppermint [2018] *

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Hello class, and welcome to "Film Criticism and Analysis 101". I am your instructor, an elderly blind man who can only get erect looking at pictures of old ladies' used retainers.

Today we will be breaking down the structure and key elements of the classic Griffith film: "Jennifer Garner shoots Mexicans while you watch and cry."

"Jennifer Garner shoots Mexicans while you watch and cry" is a 2018 film starring Angelina Jolie as Jennifer Aniston. We know Sandra Bullock is the PROTAGONIST because she is WHITE. She is shooting at the Mexicans who we know are the ANTAGONISTS because they are MEXICAN. Also because they made her drop her peppermint ice cream, which is the INCITING INCIDENT.

It is at this point Jennifer Jason Leigh comes to a crossroads. She can go back to Baskin Robbins like a reasonable human being and get more peppermint ice cream, or she can inexplicably "go off the grid" as the kids over at the FBI say, and become Batman to get revenge for her ice cream. This is called the ACT 1 BREAK, when our hero must make a vital decision.

So five years go by, Jennifer Connelly comes back and she's shooting every Mexican in sight. And the police are all like ants; you put something in front of them and they don't know what to do, they fucking explode. They're like, "Eennggh what can we do, we're fucked, we can't do anything, she's off the grid."

Then they introduce this other cop, and he's the bad cop. You know he's the bad cop because he drinks alcohol. This is called the MIDPOINT. Eventually, Jennifer Lawrence is able to shoot enough Mexicans, to get to the head Mexican. But right as she's about to shoot him, she sees that he's holding:

Peppermint Ice Cream.

And she hesitates, because even though he is Mexican, it would be wrong to shoot someone who also likes Peppermint Ice Cream. This is called a CHARACTER FLAW. He being the conniving Mexican that he is, shoots her a billion times, but she's Batman, so it doesn't matter. This is the CRISIS, when our hero is at her lowest point. Though for Lindsay Lohan that doesn't mean very much other than just goofing off for 25 minutes to pad out the runtime.

Anywhoo, she barely escapes with her life, and goes to this random lady's house who told her rocky road was a better ice cream flavor in a Walmart parking lot like five fucking years ago, and beats the ever living shit out of her, and says some kick-ass line like, "Fuck you lady, peppermint ice cream is the best flavor." And then everyone in the audience claps. This is called FILLER. Typically, directors will put it in their films to make it seem like something is happening when nothing really is. You could make an argument that the entirety of "Peppermint" is filler, but we won't get into that in this class.

This scene also serves inexplicably as the ACT 2 BREAK where Keira Knightley gathers her remaining strength, shits out all of the bullets in her body like they're nothing more than bad carbs, and loads up to kill more Mexicans. Meanwhile the bad cop is snooping around this ghetto where Jessica Alba was last seen. He asks this homeless guy pushing a shopping cart if he's seen Jennifer Lopez anywhere who then turns around and I was like, "Holy Shit is that Tyson Ritter, lead singer of the seminal early 2000s pop-punk trash band The All-American Rejects?!" And it is, oh boy I'm not joking, it really is. And that's when I realized that "Peppermint" is not a fictional action masterpiece of the three-act structure, but really a documentary depicting Tyson Ritter's life as a penniless wino who drunkenly pushes a shopping cart full of his remaining possessions, a used heroin needle, a used condom he uses to tie off, and a dead iPod Nano with "Move Along" loaded onto it.

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

Utterly Tragic.

Ahem so long story short we come to our CLIMAX where our hero must face her greatest challenge yet. And what does she do? You guessed it, she's killing every single last Mexican in the greater Los Angeles area. Right as she is about to put a bullet in the last one though, the LAPD, who have been largely preoccupied this entire time with people and grids, and who is on or off them, finally gets around to doing their job and shows up to stop her. They are like, "DROP THE GUN, JESSICA HARPER!" But she doesn't, so they shoot her a thousand times, but she kind of just runs away, and the police lose her after like 20 seconds and that's it.

That's "Peppermint".

I saw a headline the other day accusing this movie of being racist. Is it? I don't think I would go that far, but it is pretty bizarre to fantasize about cartel members gunning down white suburban kids and their parents for "thought crime", so that white soccer moms can get BEEFED UP and kill all of them.

I suppose I will leave by encouraging you to listen to "Affection" the classic The All-American Rejects song where he sings about erections. In a watershed moment of songwriting, he even rhymes "affection" with... well, you get the idea.

Class Dismissed.


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