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jmunky [2018] FILM

 

The Departed [2006] * *

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Time departed. Brain departed. Me departed.


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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

Mamma Mia! [2008] * * *

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There is no shot more representative of the 2008 fiscal year than Stellan Skarsgard, Colin Firth, and former Bond Boy Toy "Pree-Pee-Blow-Blee" all grinning in a pov shot from the perspective of Meryl Streep's vagina with her legs in the air.

There are exactly 75 too many songs (I counted), "Porridge-Broccolini" is hands down the worst singer of all time, and Meryl Streep plays a working-class person, but in the now immortal words of Cody Ko:

"Fuckin' blue water, fuckin' blue-ass water."

And I concur with Cody, that indeed was some blue-ass water.

I am a cold, maggot-ridden, diseased corpse, who is only barely consciousness enough at this point to lick the frozen pepperoni cubes off uncooked Tostino's pizzas while I slow jerk it with my free hand, but there is no quicker way to my crisp, black, heart than the entire population of Greece ripping off their clothes to follow white people in belting out the chorus to "Dancing Queen".

What a club banger that one is. I honestly had no idea that ABBA made any other songs besides "Dancing Queen" and "Africa" until like yesterday afternoon. This could have been a Mario-inspired soundtrack for all I knew.

After seeing this movie and hearing all of their hits, I would say the jury is still out on how I feel about them. As far as ridiculously popular bands go, I am more of a Nirvana guy myself. In fact, I would have quite appreciated a Nirvana-led musical. This movie is okee-dokee but nothing in it holds a candle to the prospect of Pierce Brosnan having to sing "Rape Me" to try and win Meryl Streep back in the third act.

This was equally worse and better than I could have ever possibly imagined. On the one hand there are 75 too many songs including a number dedicated to all the milfs in the audience (and all the people into milfs?)... so that was a thing I guess. And there are multiple times where a super happy upbeat song is followed 25 seconds later by a break-up-my-life-is-now-over song. The first ten minutes made me almost turn it off because of how everyone acts. They all talk and move like they are in a stage play, you know like overly expressive and big. But if you just let the melodrama... I would say "wash over you", but "slime over you" is probably more accurate, then you get used to it after a while.

On the other hand though, this is no joke one the prettiest movies ever made. Get the fuck outta here Roger with yer Gosling space LA boy bullshit, "Mamma Mia The Movie" had the best cinematography of 2017 and that shit didn't even come out last year.

It's actually stunning how colorful everything is. I was reminded of "The Great Beauty" more than once, especially in the scene where Stellan Skarsgard and Amanda Seyfried are alone together on the rocks at night. The final scene of "The Great Beauty" looks weirdly similar. The water is... blue as ass and everything else is just so colorful. As weird as it might sound, I would consider just turning the sound off and watching this in the background while I do my homework because it looks so good. "La La Land" has nothing on this film, which actually brings me to my next point(?).

I haven't seen "La La Land" since it was in theaters, but after watching "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg", then "Singin' in the Rain", and now this, my opinion of it has kind of tanked. I don't think it's a terrible movie, but it owes so much to just this movie alone, and the Catholic Church doesn't even allow people to like this movie. If I were to watch it again, I would probably give a lot lower of a rating. I don't even like Hollywood or white people anyways.

But I just don't know, you know? I'd let li'l tap dancing Ryan Gosling lick my Mamma Mia while I lick frozen Tostino's Party Pizzas any day of the week, so who am I to judge what quality cinema is or isn't.

Anyway so yeah "Dancing Queen" is a pretty sick beat, and I'm sure I enjoyed one or two of the other 1,400 songs they sang.

Really we just need to stop and appreciate the versatility of Stellan Skarsgard. He can make lame fly fishing metaphors for four straight hours of cinematic depression just for me and my bud Lars, and then turn right around and immediately create what is hands down the greatest boy band of all time with Colin Firth and "Perseus Brony and the Lightning Thief" for everyone else.

Do those release dates match up - nope they sure don't but let's not think too hard about that one.

At the end of the day, people who don't like this movie have got to accept the facts of life.

1. "Mamma Mia" has got the H I T S.

2. It's got water bluer than you could possibly believe.

3. It's a force for positivity and a celebration of life. What separates it from being a bad film in my mind is that you can tell everyone making it meant well, and are having a good time. It seems like an obvious cash in on the success of the play, but I think it transcends that enough to be worth watching. I am not just jumping on the hype train of all the people either that ironically or at least semi-ironically like this movie, I really think it is a worthwhile film.

Or you could just completely disregard that and watch Stellan Skarsgard in "Nymphomaniac" (the opposite of a celebration of life).

God what even is film anyways.


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