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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

Unfriended: Dark Web [2018] *

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As an old man who still has not totally figured out what a computer is or what it microwaves, I found this to be an extremely insightful film. My grandkids bought me one of those Windows Pros for Christmas, and at first I was like, "What's a kee-board?" But now that I have seen the "Unfriended: Dark Web", I am a confident user of YAHOO! and know about all the cool things you can hack.

Like for instance, lamps.

In this movie, the bad guy hacks this lady's lamps so he can sneak in to boop her, and I think it would be a great way to get rid of my dumb wife. All I'm sayin' folks is if I hack all the lamps in our house at the right moment, I don't think it would be that tragic if Granny Margeline took a short trip down our long staircase.

This is like "The Poughkeepsie Tapes" but in this movie they're all like, "AH it's a lady in a barrel, pretty spooktacular, amiright?!" Whereas in "The Poughkeepsie Tapes" they're all like, "Ah it's a full-grown man dressed in kitty cat costume poking holes in this lady's neck so that she drowns in her own blood, pretty fucking traumatizing, right?!"

I don't know; they're both terrible movies, so pick your poison America or just go hop on to the dark web to watch duck porn videos because I'm sure there are at least a couple that have more artistic merit than this piece of shit.

You would think common sense would prevail and that it would be highly immoral and irresponsible as a filmmaker to be making human traffickers and murderers out to be these cool hacker people that all look like they're from Assassin's Creed, but Jason Blum is like, "Lol it's a lady in a barrel." Is the goal for me to walk out of the theater and be like wow that sure was cool, I'm gonna become pro-hack man and sell my dog into slavery and have sex with a duck???

Ducks don't need that shit, man.

Perhaps the most laughably bad aspect of this movie (besides the lamp/train hacking sequences) and the goofiest photoshop I have ever seen - is the poster. What is he even doing to her? Don't you know that a key part of suffocating someone involves covering both their nose AND their mouth? Has this pussy never even suffocated someone with a bag before? And let me ask the question I know we're all thinking:

Why didn't he just hack the bag over her mouth?

In conclusion I'm not really into skull fucking or anything, but when you set up skull fucking as a possible thing I'm going to have to sit through in the third act, it's a little bit of a disappointment when all I get is a Minecraft boat ride into Satan's Lair (aka Jason Blum's sex dungeon that he built in Minecraft, where he is skull fucking the American moviegoing audience and getting paid millions to do it).


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jmunky [2018] TV

 

The Fall [3 seasons, 17 episodes, 2013-2016] * *

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Like watching a turd dry.


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