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Curtis Loves Movies [2018] FILM

 

Die Hard [1988] * * * * *

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I love "Die Hard". Walking into the theater back in 1988 as a 17-year-old who loved all the Schwarzenegger and Stallone action movies of the '80s, who was obsessed with James Bond, I had no fucking idea what I was about to experience.

Bruce Willis was that goofy guy from "Moonlighting". None of the other actors were anyone I even remotely recognized. This movie wasn't going to be any good. But hey, it's Friday night, I don't drink beer (yet), what else are me and my best friend going to do?

Two hours later: Fuck. I had no idea a movie could be that smart, funny, and exciting. The bar has been raised, launched into space.

I've seen this movie probably 50 times since then. I watch it at least once a year around Christmas. But seeing it again for the 30th anniversary screening was something else.

Sitting in front of me in the theater was this older couple. We were the only people there. The woman would cackle at every joke, creating the best laugh track I can imagine. And when Al shoots Karl -- wait for it -- they stood up and applauded. No joke. They stayed standing for the rest of the movie, and only sat down at the credits to listen to the Christmas music.

It was like experiencing the movie in Grandparents-D -- they added a completely new dimension to a movie I know by heart. I would have loved it anyway, but watching "Die Hard" with this couple was a real treat.


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jmunky [2018] FILM

 

Quiz Show [1994] * * * *

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Gonna get me some of that Geritol.


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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

A Star Is Born [2018] *

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"A Star Is Born" is a 2018 horror film starring Bradley Cooper as a serial killer obsessed with taking the noses off of his unsuspecting victims and... smelling them?

Lady Gaga is his newest target, but to get in close to her nose he must first marry her. Problems arise when they unexpectedly fall in love with each other, a rule Bradley Cooper promised he would never break. Things are going swell until Lady Gaga goes on SNL and sings about Bradley Cooper's asshole, and Bradley Cooper says,

"Ewwww you went on SNL and sang about my asshole, you're ugly and your nose ain't even all THAT good."

and then they break up, but then they come back at the end when the music builds and Lady Gaga is all like,

"OoohaAhAhAahhhh... AH... AHAhAaaaaahaa aaaAAAAh, AhaHaHaHaHaHA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHH!!!!

"I'M OFF THE DEEP EEEENDD, WATCH AS I DIVE INNNN, I'LL NEVER MEET THE GROUUUNNNDDD!"

and Bradley Cooper to the same tune is like,

"I'LL FUCKING KILL MYSEEEELLLFF!!"

"Shallow" is a pretty great song I guess if you're into that kind of music. Personally I don't like any music except Mitski and the beeping noise the garbage truck makes when it picks up my trash at 6:00am so it wasn't really for me.

Lady Gaga is great, and Bradley Cooper is an Oscar Bait, but besides that this movie was pretty lame. The way the film handles any of its weightier subjects ranges from flat-out bad to laugh out loud hilarious. Any message on stardom and the hardships of being a celebrity are lost in the labyrinthian maze of an editing job that this movie has. Often I imagined I was Indiana Jones with his signature machete, hacking my way through this film's plot, and then I would snap back and realize the film was still going on.

Their relationship is so unbelievable too, no man has ever fingered Lady Gaga's nose and then gotten to have sex with her THAT fast.

[---BEGIN SPOILERS---]
In conclusion, the shot of Bradley Cooper's head next to the billboard with all the nooses on it is simultaneously one of the funniest and worst shots in the history of filmmaking. First of all, who the hell makes a billboard with a bunch of black nooses on it? What are you even advertising? Suicide? Alternative playground equipment to thin the population? Worst of all though it's literally the most blatant and on the nose imagery/foreshadowing I have ever seen in a movie. When I saw it, I was like, "Oohh that was a bad choice" - but I didn't know then that he was actually going to literally hang himself with a noose.
[---END SPOILERS---]

It's so bad I kind of want to get it framed so I can hang it on my wall.

"Quality > Quantity" - something no one ever said at all at any time about anything during the production of this movie.


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