|The world's first triple-A take a dump simulator. Yes folks, not only do you have to bathe and shave - just like real life! - but once a day you have to find a suitable place to lay your cable. If you don't do this, the ability to ride a horse will be severely impacted. Recommended is the incredible "bad curry" side mission, so realistic you can feel it. Also included: the need to piss (dependent on liquid intake), real-time waiting rooms for the doctor, and tax filing.|
|I love the dinner scene where Laurie Strode breaks down in front of her family. Her daughter has experienced decades of this insanity, so she has no patience for it, no compassion, yet her own daughter - Laurie's granddaughter - conjures all the compassion for a woman struggling with years of PTSD. It's the perfect microcosm of family dynamics that a franchise (or sequel, given that this movie undoes decades of continuity in one fell swoop) of this weight deserves.
Ironically, what I liked most about this movie is everything BUT the Michael Myers scenes. The writers (REAL moviemakers, not just genre hacks) do a great job filling in the characters and relationships.
But they dropped the ball on the horror.
The horror truly feels like a fan film. Like someone desperately aping at something they love with no understanding of how to elevate it beyond what we've already seen before.
That's the disappointment here. In ten or twenty years, this movie will be just as forgettable as the Busta Rhymes installment.
Things I loved:
- The dinner scene
|Funny enough this reminded me a little bit of Demy with all the saturated colors and clothing...
The best parts come early, when the town doctor who is treating a man whom the blob has attached itself to, calls up his female assistant and is like, "Hey do you want to be completely and totally consumed by a tasteee bit of jello I found on this homeless dude?"
And she's naturally like, "Lol sure whatever bitch."
What follows is perhaps one of the greatest and most easily avoidable death scenes in all of movie history, in which the assistant walks into the small operating room, where she finds that the homeless man has been completely consumed by the blob, which now resides on the floor. So she does what any normal human being in her situation does, and instead of turning the corner and calmly walking out of the room, proceeds to immediately back herself into a corner and starts freaking the fuck out.
Meanwhile, the blob is just doing its blob thing, maybe it's got an iPod Nano (circa 1958) in there with that bangin' blob soundtrack bumpin', and it's moving at wicked fast top speeds of a centimeter an hour (two, going down an incline). That's irrelevant however as this girl has just lost all sense of logic (as women in these kinds of movies typically do). In a striking moment of awe-inspiring tragedy and unintentional humor she tries to dodge it and go to the left, but inexplicably trips over a nearby lamp and fucking dies.
I haven't laughed that hard at someone falling over since Ghostface similarly ran directly into a chair and face planted in "Scream 2".
Actually, I take that back, the little girl getting thrown off of her horse in "Gone with the Wind" and it instantly cutting to her funeral will never not be the greatest cinematic achievement of the 20th century.
It's just a downward spiral from there though. It's commendable to see a monster film that takes place entirely on small sets, but that's really about it. Steve McQueen is very much a baby boy, but he was born with chronic old-man face, so it was hard for me to really believe he was a high-school kid, and not pushing his late thirties. His girlfriend is basically just there to be a damsel in distress and vomit exposition... which is fine because that's all women do in real life, am I right fellas?!?!
Well uh anyway, there is like 15 minutes of an actual movie here, and the rest is just repetitious drama centered around no one believing Steve Mcqueen saw the blob kill someone. As far as horror goes, it is a little bit of a stretch to even call it that. The part where the old homeless dude finds the blob and it does a slimeee all over his hand I suppose is a little spooky.
I've definitely had bowls of Wendy's chili more offensive than anything in this movie.
Beware of the Wendy's Chili
In conclusion (I'm sorry I really just don't have a lot to say about this), this was very pretty, and of all of Criterion's restorations, I would say this is certainly the most impressive work I have seen. "Avengers: Infinity War" (2018) doesn't look this good. "Avatar" (2009) doesn't look this good. Hell, even "Pocahontas 3: Colors of the Wind" (1617) doesn't look this good. "The Phantom Carriage" is a CRISPY transfer, and the new score is actually pretty fucking majestic. Granted it doesn't really fit the tone of this depressing-ass movie, but boy did it sure make me feel like a color of the wind.
However, I am a dumb millennial, and if I am not getting two handjobs at the same time while I listen to every Skrillex song play at once and watch the clip from "In the Realm of the Senses" where Sada throws up all of Kichizo's semen back onto his dick on repeat, then I AM NOT ENTERTAINED.
I drank anywhere between 6 and 47 cups of coffee while I watched this, and I was still struggling not to fall asleep out of boredom. Granted it might have been because my heart was going into cardiac arrest, but I just don't typically vibe with stories centered around flashbacks.
It's not like I don't believe in the power of forgiveness or in people's capacity to change (I don't, but that's unrelated), however, to see him be accepted unconditionally by the victim of his torment when he shows even the slightest amount of remorse for his actions is pretty lame. Other films like "Buffalo '66" have similar endings, but the difference here is that this guy is a criminal.
Perhaps I am getting all bent out of shape over nothing, but I thought it was a pretty terrible ending.
Oh and I almost forgot...
Have you tried our Lord and Savior Wendy's Chili?
Eating Wendy's Chili is like trying to eat normal (ie, edible) food when your nose is really stuffed up, and you can't tell if what is sliding down your throat is mucus or the macaroni and cheese you just ate.
IT SUCKS DAVE'S SQUARE PATTY DICK.