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Isaak von Seggern [2018] FILM

 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom [2018] *

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Jurassic World Again and Again... and Again-until-your-eyes-are-bleeding-and-you've-lost-the-will-to-live-so-you-have-the-option-to-receive-a-complementary-mercy-killing-after-the-film (as long as you have an AMC stubs card). Fallen something or other is a 2018 Ponzi scheme starring Jessica Chastain and her trusty unnamed sidekick, a hastily scribbled one-dimensional stick figure played bravely by Chris Pratt. The film follows the two as they try to scam innocent Americans and elderly people (aka yours truly) into paying money to see dinosaur mating rituals for four hours, with the promise that there is a quality action film in there somewhere where Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, and maybe even the pterodactyls if we're really lucky, all take their shirts off, and the dinos do rad Tony Hawk snowboard tricks on the lava as the volcano erupts and at the end of the movie everyone even the bad guy comes to know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, AMEN.

Such a movie was promised to me by the (good?) folks at Universal Pictures and Jessica Chastain.

Such a movie I did not receive.

Do you all remember dinosaur chicken nuggets? This might be one of those rare things where you can actually be too old to have experienced what was certainly a masterclass in cooking and presentation (score 1 Millennials). But as a wee child you better goddamn bet that the pinnacle of my culinary palette was some of those buttery, overly breaded, and slightly burnt (but in a good way sort of?), delicacies from the frozen section. They were multi-purpose tools as well. During an age when Tyler was not my friend, but the kid who broke my two front teeth with a metal bar on the playground, (see "early 2000s playground equipment"), dinosaur chicken nuggets weren't just culinary perfection, they were my only friends.

I'm sure if I went back now as a 97-year-old man, I would be appalled by their taste and texture. What was once buttery would now most likely be soggy and bland, the breaded outer layer rough and dry, and that distinct burnt flavor (God bless it) now distinctly cardboard flavored really more than anything else.

But I don't choose to remember the dinosaur chicken nugget like that. I choose to remember them how they were in my (briefly) innocent childhood; as the only ones who would play catch with me in my backyard, because everyone in first grade either ignored me or broke my two front teeth, and my father was always passed out after a long night of drinking.

I think we should give "Jurassic Park" (1993) the same treatment.

Remember it as the cool thing it was, but let it go. Don't dare go back to that godforsaken grocery store freezer section at 3:00am in a fit of depression and nostalgia looking for answers that you know deep down you don't want.

Let it die, Universal.

Let.It.Die

On the bright side, the next sequel promises the immediate and total destruction of Northern California, which is absolutely something I can get behind. Also, I think Jeff Goldblum has it in the bag for this year's Best Actor. Remember, Anthony Hopkins was only in "The Silence of the Lambs" for 16 minutes and he did it. So don't come at me with illogical statements such as "but he was only on screen for 35 seconds". Look genius, I know quality acting when I see it, so just fuck off back to Sacramento where you can play your long overdue part in natural selection.


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jmunky [2018] FILM

 

Jennifer's Body [2009] * * * *

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Look, it's obvious I'm not a pervert, but watching Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox lick each other's tongues made me feel like it wouldn't be such a bad thing to be. This film is really very good; you just have to realize that it is not what may appear clichéd, but is instead highly original and with much depth. Time has been very kind, enhanced it even. If you saw it on release and didn't like it, watch again now, your opinion may change. If you've never seen it, give it a go.


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Curtis Loves Movies [2018] FILM

 

Sicario: Day of the Soldado [2018] * *

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[*Spoilers*]

For me, there's a way that coincidence works in movies and a way that it doesn't. Take "Dirty Harry", for example. Harry is chasing the Scorpio Killer through the stadium and yells "Stop!" just as his partner finds the lights and lights up the whole field. Silly coincidence that would never happen in real life, but I'll accept it in a movie because it's cinematic.

Now take "Sicario: Day of the Soldado" (aka "Sicario 2: Soldado"). The entire climax of the movie hinges on a random encounter earlier in the movie between two characters who have nothing to do with each other. Hogwash Hollywood bullshit.

Now it's obvious that Stefano Sollima is no Denis Villeneuve but this one is on Taylor Sheridan. Oh, Taylor, what happened? I was loving all of your scripts up until now.

The movie almost redeemed itself with what looked to be a very dark ending but nope. Del Toro's character gets Tyler Durdened in the face to come back from the dead; and Josh Brolin's character suddenly grows a heart. Did he hear the Whos singing in Whoville? (And I admit full ignorance on the subject, but does a black ops leader really get to decide who goes into witness protection just because?)

The two sections of the movie I did very much appreciate were the ambush and the hideout at the deaf man's farm.


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